In which the Caterists mugwump the dictionary ...

The pond sojourned in Melbourne over the break and was confronted by all sorts of challenging questions ... such as how desperate and needy is a town which bungs on artificial grass to produce a pop-up park?

There were other questions ... what happened to that idle talk of Swanston street becoming a mall? Discuss ...

The pond felt quite awkward jay-walking in the Sydney style across a street empty of any signs of civilisation, and with the city square just a hole in the ground ...

How did the current Labor government come to power by promising to drop a cool billion or so abandoning a road tunnel, only to announce before Christmas (right at the end of the silly season) that it intended to drop even more billions on a road tunnel, without bothering with too much tedious paperwork, business studies or other form of analysis? In your paper, you may reference a different set of mates getting ready to cash in ...

Contrariwise, how is it possible for the leader of the Victorian opposition to talk about being tough on crime when he has assorted matters such as the Madafferi affair in his past? Use newspaper stories to bolster your paper. Try to limit it to ten thousand words ... but do include watchdogs and suspect donations ... and assorted misadventures, including Fishermans Bend ...

Perhaps a contribution from Malware?

(joke originally here).

Be careful to distinguish between decent upright white collar crime and outrageous black street gangs ... while insisting colour doesn't matter.

Why does Melbourne measure the grandeur of its fireworks by talking of tonnage ignited? A paper which fails to mention the inadequacy of the ice cream cone as a Freudian symbol will be marked down ...

How many buildings has the monstrous school of RMIT plastic architecture ruined? A paper with less than fifty examples will be marked down. Examples of useless selections of building materials which have aged as badly as a hipster tattoo are essential ...

Why has the folly known as the square at the heart of the town's soul now attracted an Apple store without community consultation or consideration? Arguments for the benefits of a healthy Victorian democracy must be mentioned in the paper ...

But to be fair to Melburnians, who had a sorrowful time just a few blocks from where the pond was staying - the pond's heart went out to them - there were many other splendid, weird and wonderful sightings over the silly season, not least the bizarre weirdness of Chris Uhlmann attempting to do breakfast television - a rough equivalent of a tortoise pretending to be a whimsical hare. 

The pond wouldn't have seen it except that it met some Melburnians who watch morning television, though it was noted in other places, as at the New Daily ...

Discuss the strange viewing habits of the pond's relatives, with particular reference to this sighting.

The pond always suspected he was a tosser, but now he's a certified wanker...

And after all this teasing and speaking of wankers, what better intro to a dose of the Caterists?

There are many mysteries in life.

For example, how did a Caterist with ostentatious dullness, humble hair, and a modest degree in sociology from the University of Exeter become a columnist for the lizard Oz?

No one knows how or why ...

If there's one thing more peculiar than Uhlmann attempting morning television in the silly season, it's the sight of a Caterist trying to be light and whimsical in the silly season. Fluff comes as naturally to them as lead sinkers.

Perhaps today's teenagers include people in their 50s and 60s ...

Speaking of first world problems, the question no doubt arises as to whether the grant will be renewed in the next few months ...

Relax, there's absolutely no reason for these "kidults" to learn to avoid living off grants, or even to learn how to smash avocados, or especially to learn how to start saving to run a business instead of living off the taxpayer dime.

Apparently this can result in grant-filling-out hand, though the pond wouldn't wish to downplay the tendon damage that can arise from a repetitious use of a pen ...

Well it passes for a column, this casual ripping-off of Merriam-Webster, the Oxford and sundry other wordsmiths, but it's a pity that the Caterist didn't exercise a little more discretion when writing about mugwumps.

The first recorded use of "mugquomp" is in the 1663 Eliot transcription of the bible, as detailed at an Oxford blog here. The first recorded use of its Anglicised form of "mugwump" came in 1884 when Republican activists refused to line up behind a corrupt candidate. Fortunately by 2016 such scruples had been set aside so that the Donald might come to power ... but somewhere between a "quomp" and a "wump" comes the Caterist ... with "mug" the one shared common feature ...

Indeed, indeed, and the pond feels compelled to name the Caterist as an early contender, because who else would overlook the connection between mugwumps and reptiles, as outlined by William Burroughs in The Naked Lunch ...

Of course down under the mugwumps take refuge in research centres, or in the deepest crevices of the walls surrounding fortress Holt street in hipster central Surry Hills ... and it's left to the mugwump Caterists to smooth the reptiles out, with alabaster jars of drivel ...and then the lizard Oz can become as still and clear as glycerine ...

And so to a final Melbourne sighting, this one on the wall in the lane beside good old 3CR in Collingwood ... bringing together Caterists, taxpayer grants, reptiles and toads ...